Friday, January 12, 2007

Memory

the past few days have been tough - I don't see how a TV show can stir up so many memories and emotions

Thursday - I remembered feeding my son, Aasin, for the last time - A memory that must have been trapped like an air bubble - well
below the surface of my brain - and for some reason yesterday it ascended to the top - and while one minute I was excited that i could
remember his tiny face - his lips and his nose so vividly - the next minute I was left with the - all to familiar - lump in my throat - a feeling of trying to catch my breath - and a piercing ache in my heart -

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wrote the above yesterday - tough day - really tough -- Those of you who have lost loved ones know how these feelings sort of creep up on you - you do your best to think of the happy times and remember them when everything was "smooth sailing" but for some reason this memory resurfaced - most would probably wonder why this would be so upsetting but nursing my son in the moving car that day over 10 years ago would become my biggest regret - a moment that would change me forever -

and though i felt better once my words were typed I saved the above portion as a draft not knowing if i would share it or not - but today i realized that YES I would post it - I want to remember this - this MEMORY - of my son - sometimes I feel like I can't hear his little chuckle anymore - I can't visualize his smile- but thursday for a few seconds I felt as though I was watching a recording of him - of a precise moment that we shared on the last day of his short life - So maybe this post will help me hang on to this memory --

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

My heart ached for you as I read your comments. I lost a brother to Cancer 17 years ago and I recently had a dream about him and I actually woke up and felt that I spent a fleeting moment with him and you feel like you remember the person as if it was yesterday that they were with you.

shawnna said...

{{(Hugs)}}
to you :D