Friday, September 28, 2007

overwhelmed and afraid

I must say today has been one of the toughest days -- Nothing really BIG has happened so there is no where to place the "blame" not that that is what I should be doing.

I have been SO TIRED - I don't even want to get up in the morning and sometimes I even go back to bed once the kids get off to school. My to do list is SO HUGE - and I am behind on pretty much all of my commitments (which is not like me at all - one of my pet peeves). And now with the house stuff that needs to be done in order to get it listed on the market I am COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED and feel like a ton of bricks is resting on my shoulders. My neighbor and good friend Molly even came to help me make a list of ALL the House To Do's and she is going to help me next week. She is such a blessing. I don't know what I would do without her.

My role as a mother and wife is even suffering - which makes me feel even worse. I am frustrated with myself and the fact that I can't make it through a few little chores without needing to rest and then I feel frustrated when my spouse comes home and is tired and doesn't feel like helping out -- It is a loose loose situation - I know he is trying and I just have to learn to LET GO a little more

So here is the run down on the last 24 or so hours
  • Heath's truck that he just got on Monday had to be towed home - which meant I had to figure out how to get Noah to his doctor appointment this morning -- Heath and his dad tried to figure out what the deal was last night but we ended up having to get it towed from the house to a mechanic $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
  • Heath and I had words about how I need help around here and I know he didn't mean it but his words were very hurtful -- He is just as stressed and overwhelmed as I am and when you put two overwhelmed people in a heated discussion it is bound to set off a smoke detector
  • Noah had is dr. appointment and I didn't know he had to get shots - which he needed two -He was very upset -- He is deathly afraid of needles - and it didn't help that the nurse was RUDE
  • had to drive heath to work which took over an hour there and back -
  • I needed to stop at the post office on the way home but realized I left the packages at home so I drove all the way back home
  • On the answering machine a women from Noah's dr's office said for me to call her back regarding Noah's LABS (this of course sent me into a fit of worry because the last time someone called this house about lab work it was to tell me I had cancer) I tried to call them back but they were out to lunch
  • once i got to the post office the automated machine wouldn't weigh my package so i politely tried to let the postal worker know and she was SO VERY RUDE TO ME -- so rude that I was crying when I left - and really all I wanted to do was let them know it was broken so others didn't waste their time - SO I LEFT and went to another post office
  • just feeling like I want to just lie in the fetal position and have a good cry - which stinks
  • finally heard back from the dr's office and Noah's labs were NORMAL praise God (but they have never called me back for NORMAL results before - the woman was very sweet and I thanked her)
  • while waiting for the school bus I got a call from Noah's school counselor and about the visit they had today - she said he was holding back tears and that his "Life is So Serious Right Now"

after that conversation I really lost it - I felt so afraid - How in the world would I be able to help my children through this if I couldn't even manage myself

My neighbor ended up getting the kids off the bus and I went to my room for a good cry and some time with the Lord. These are the verses He shared with me

"I sought the Lord and He answered me. And delivered me from all my FEARS." Psalm 34:4

"My flesh and my heart may fail. But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

I don't have to KNOW how to handle everything - Through HIS STRENGTH and HIS WISDOM I will be able to handle these "bad days" and hopefully the closer I draw to HIM the fewer "bad days" I will have

Blessings and love to you all

Thursday, September 27, 2007


THANK YOU ANGELA (aloughridge) FOR THE RAK -(tons of clear plastic bags and some super cute brads) - SUPER CUTE!!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


I got an awesome little package today
and it was from ALL OF MY TSR GALS
I was totally freaking out
i had to call my dh at work

I can't say enough what it means that they have POURED out their blessings upon our family - and it couldn't have come at a better time - literally i have 1/2 of a half gallon of milk in the fridge and this morning i was praying that the kids wouldn't want waffles and not cereal (as my dh doesn't get paid until friday) then i could make the milk last a while longer -- (normally i wouldn't admit this kind of stuff because quite frankly it is embarassing - but I want you to know how God has used these gals in my life in a very REAL way)


no one has ever done this kind of stuff for me (or my family) before - and it is amazing to see how GOD has blessed me with this message board - and i am not just talking about an atg gun -refills - TSR Kits - 100 gc to hobby lobby - 30 dollars CASH - ENDLESS R.A.K.s - plus $50 gc to Pizza Hut --$50 gc to SUBWAY and $25 to SONIC (from Erin LindaN and T) -- Their endless support and encouragement - their friendship -- their uplifting spirits - I could go on and on - but since i am now crying and the screen is looking blurry i will just leave you with this

THEY have showed me the true meaning of KOINONIA which is best translated as GOD'S LOVE in ACTION. Koinonia is agape or unconditional love in action. -- other words used to translate are FELLOWSHIP -PARTNERSHIP - SHARING - STEWARDSHIP

It is hard for me to even imagine this kind of love let alone be living in it - but I believe this type of love isn't humanly possible. I believe God placed HIS SPIRIT within us to enable us to love as HE LOVES. And I want you to know I have seen this kind of LOVE through their actions and I am SO THANKFUL I LOVE THEM ALL

Monday, September 24, 2007


The bible study I am working on is


by Henry T. Blackaby and Melvin D. Blackaby

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Forgiveness or the lack there of

While working though this bible study I am starting to see some things about myself that I really just don't like. I am finding that I don't extend grace to some as easily as I should. There are a select few people who- when they mess up, or hurt me, or just let me down - I begrudingly hold unto that hurt and frustration. I am starting to see how this UNFORGIVENESS is adding bricks to the wall I am building between God and me. NOT GOOD - not good at all. So I am in prayer as to what God wants me to do about this -- should I confess to the person and ask for forgiveness or would this just make them feel bad ???? I am sure God will reveal it to me.

"If you forgive people their wrongdoing, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don't forgive people, your Father will not forgive your wrongdoing."
Matthew 6:14-15

Below is a passage from the study i am doing

There are no irreconcilable differences among GOD'S PEOPLE. If there were, that would mean there was a limit to God's ability to forgive you as well. The cross would be void of its meaning. WE MUST FORGIVE AS CHRIST HAS FORGIVEN US --- TOTALLY, FOREVER.

those last two words are were i struggle the most -- TOTALLY, FOREVER -- after all I am a list maker - a score keeper of sorts -- I tend to forgive (so i call it) but then I check a tally mark next to the persons name -- so i will NEVER FORGET -- almost as if I kept index cards stored in my brain with the exact circumstance that happened to cause me to be upset with this person. And with some I may never bring the instance up again - but it is still there. However with my husband I do retrieve those cards as if to post them up -- THE SCORE IS 5 to 1 -- like a huge "YOU ARE MEANIE" BANNER -- it is really horrible and I am so so ashamed of myself -- I can't even believe I am admitting to this -- now my sudden urge is to hold down the BACKSPACE KEY until this entire paragraph is deleted - but really this is who I am right now - Not one of my better points but something I want to work on --

So this is me slowing tearing down the wall of UNFORGIVENESS i have been building. I don't want to be someone who just ACTS RIGHT on the outside when I think someone is watching. My desire is to strive to BE RIGHT. By "being right" I am speaking of the heart,the core of my existence.

Here is to LEARNING and GROWING through CHRIST

Friday, September 21, 2007

Tuesday September 18th thru Friday September 21

Ok let me just say -- this week has FLOWN BY -- where did it go - I so want to blog everyday and I mean to - it just isn't working - so here is yet another catch up post

Tuesday - worked on my bible study -- There is some pretty deep stuff in there - Emailed my doctor about being so tired and stuff - he wants me to come in for some blood work - he says he may have to up my Rx??

Wednesday - went to bible study - it was very interesting it is with a group of ladies I have never been in study with before (which is a little scary at first but SO AWESOME - it is great to hear their perspectives and share in their knowledge) I had such a great time - and can't wait to go back next week -- I originally was just going to jump in where I was (they started the study two weeks ago) but I am really learning so much that I am now starting from the beginning and working through -- I hope to be caught up with everyone else by next Wed.

Molly and I went to lunch and then to the mall -- We had so much fun - she needed makeup and I needed to get my nephew a birthday present

Went to ITZ's for Cristion's birthday party -- We had such a fun time - I will have to take the kids back before we move - it was such a cool place

Thursday -- met with the oncologist - he did blood work and then I had to have more blood work done at my other doctors office -- OUCH

I will hopefully be going into the hospital for radiation in about 2 weeks - it all depends on my TSH Level -- (they took me off of my meds today) they can't do the radiation until it reaches 50+ -- but they drew blood today to see where i am and i will just go back every week or so until it gets to 50+ then they will order the "PILL" (the doctor joked about how they will order it CUSTOM just for me - GEEE aren't I special ;) -- and I can be admitted on the following Monday for treatment -- They had previously said 3 days but i was thinking that meant go in on monday and then come home around noonish on Wed. -- today i found out it will be at least 3 (24 hour days) and could be up to 5 -- it just depends on how quickly my body gets rid of the
yucky stuff ;) they can't let me be out and about while I am GLOWING ;)-- once I am down to a certain level I will be able to go home but even then i will still be radioactive (for seven more days) so I can't be around the kids - or anyone that is pregnant or of "childbearing age" -- and also i have to sleep alone (and with my husband about to be leaving for his job this is not what we had in mind )

Sounds crazy right -- there were all these crazy things that i have to do -- like don't share a toilet with anyone -- wash my eating utensils seperate from everyone else's (or use disposable) don't share drinks -- the kids can't even sit in my lap

and while i am in the hospital - I can't have VISITORS - can you imagine being confined to one room for so many days -- JEEPERS - I am liable to go NUTS-O in there ;)

on the job front - Heath took the job in Oklahoma and he will start on OCT 15 -- EEEK right around the corner -- but they gave him an AWESOME relocation package - so that is exciting

we had someone come to look at the house Thursday night -- I was so hoping he would want to buy it (he flips houses and has rental property I think?) then maybe we could all move down together or shortly after -- but he called today and said it wouldn't be a great investment for him - I think because he usually buys them dirt cheap because they are already beat up and run down (and since ours isn't) and we have only owned it for 4 years we aren't in a position to give him a LOW LOW deal

you don't know of anyone who wants to buy a house in the Houston area do you ???? :D :D

Friday - Worked on my Bible Study -- SO LOVING IT - i have done three loads of laundry - vacuumed the upstairs (even vacuumed the kids ceilings - i know it sounds crazy but the ceiling fan was blowing dust onto them and well once i get started cleaning - it is really hard for me to stop) made all the beds - then i got sick YUCK - hope it doesn't have anything to do with them taking me off of my meds????? The kids will be home in about an hour and a half -- we don't have anything big planned for the weekend so hopefully they will just want to play and hang out - I could really go for a LOW KEY couple of days

Monday, September 17, 2007

Pencil Bouquet

This is a picture of 1 of 4 pencil bouquets I made for teachers/secretary's at the kids school
I purchased the container (would be super cute as a candy dish once all the pencils are gone) at Hobby Lobby - it was 1/2 off of 3.99 so very reasonable -- the pencils were .97 cents at target and the leaves and berries were bought at hobby lobby as well (the swag was 1/2 off of 9.99 but it had enough leaves for at least 3 pencil bouquets) Oh and I just used floral foam in the container and poked the leaves and pencils into it - had to use a little hot glue here and there but what craft project is complete without that stuff ; ) : D

9-14 thru TODAY RECAP

Friday - i was busy getting ready to leave for Caddo Mills - had a few hiccups in our plan that almost pushed me over the edge - feel like i am trying to balance on a teeny tiny tight rope and people keep throwing more and more things for me to catch - it all worked out in the end and we mananged to get there safely around midnight

Heath was offered the job in OKLAHOMA on Thursday - he accepted the offer today pending the amount of the relocation package

Saturday - We had the best time with Heath's family in Caddo (NE of Dallas)- I can't wait to share some pictures - the kids had a blast -- Makenna just LOVES Maddie to death - neither one of them wanted the other to leave - The kids roasted marshmallows - YUMMY - we got to see almost everyone - We got tons of mesquito/ant bites but it was so worth seeing everyone and just hanging out outside - it was like a family reunion - lots of people and even more FOOD- we got home around 1:30 am

Sunday - Church - lunch with Heather and her girls at Fuddrucker's - YARD WORK (which seriously wore me out) All I did was trim the hedges and get the grass out of the sidewalk but man I felt like i could sleep for an eternity after that -- MET WITH THE REALTOR

Monday - slept until 11:40 -Lunch with my mil -THANKS!!! it was so yummy - Met with realtor again to discuss what she thought we needed to do and what she wanted to list the house for

today was pretty rough - I am feeling overwhelmed with all that is going on in my life -- I think I have surrendered and waved my white flag AGAIN and AGAIN - the kids were really rough on me tonight - i think they are really struggling with all that is going on too -

I am excited to start preparing for the NEW BIBLE STUDY I will be attending at church on WED mornings (Your Church Experiencing GOD Together) really praying that the time I spend preparing will really get me focused on the things that are important in my life. I know that this "craziness" is only a season and it WILL PASS. Sometimes I loose sight of that


Thursday, September 13, 2007

9/13/07 Thurs BIG MISTAKES

Have to do laundry today -- and i should have but i decided to bail out and have some fun with my girls --- They needed to shop for clothes and I went along to be their fashion consultant -- I guess that is one good thing about having a friend who is BRUTALLY HONEST ;) We all had a blast

Today I realized i made a BIG BOO BOO -- this is probably the BIGEST $$ messup I have ever made in my entire life (except for buying that chevy s10 pickup - the resale value on that thing was horrible) So PRAISE GOD I have such a forgiving husband - if he would have messed up our checking acct. this bad I may have divorced him *(totally kidding - but I am sure I would have yelled)* So I have apologized to ALL INVOLVED and I am just PRAYING that God will help me out of this mess. This is VERY HUMBLING -- which can be a bit painful - OUCH! But it is a lesson that I needed, I am sure.

Wanting to finish the last pencil bouquet tonight for Noah's NEW teacher -- I will take a picture and upload it later to show you. I know someone was asking about them in the comments --

We are leaving to go out of town tomorrow so I will be OUT-IE for the weekend -- Hope you all have a GREAT ONE :D :D


wed. was by far the most productive day I have had since my surgery
I really believe some of this tiredness is just mental --
Yesterday I cleaned 2 bathrooms (that were disgusting-- really i am ashamed I was even letting my family go in there) and i did dishes --- and i also did a few loads of laundry
i was so tired but i just pushed through it -- am i sore today --YEP -- but it is so worth having a clean bathroom

decided today that i am going to go to wed. morning bible studies at church with molly
even though there wasn't a study that REACHED out and GRABBED me - I am going to do it anyway -- and I know God will bless my efforts -- it is more than i am doing know

I used to do bible studies ALL THE TIME - I was always working on something either in a group setting or on my own -- but i have been so lazy this past year -- I have to admit -- SHAMEFULLY -- that I have been just sort of reading the bible -- not even really digging in -- just sort of skimming -- SO hopefully this bible study will help me push through to the next level

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


today, 9/11/2007, I am so thankful for the life that I have, the country I live in, and all the men and woman who serve this great country.

When I think back to that day 6 years ago I can't help but get teary eyed. I wonder about all the families that were touched by this tragedy. How they are doing now. My heart (and my prayers) go out to them.

Today was pretty laid back for me. I ended up sleeping until almost noon. Seems like I need about 10 -12 hours of sleep a night versus my usual 4-6 hours. Maybe all that "lack of sleep" is just catching up to me. The doctors say to just take it easy but I can't help but notice all the dust and of course the ring that is forming around the bathtub ;)

One of my bestest buddies took me out to lunch today and then to Hobby Lobby. We had a BLAST!!!! -- THANK YOU MOLLY - you are truly too too sweet.

I also got ANOTHER RAK in the mail -- THANK YOU SHELL ORIOLD for the awesome pack of DAISY D's PAPER -- it is BEAUTIFUL!

I managed to clean the 1/2 bath downstairs today!! YEAH! GO ME!! :D :D now tomorrow I will tackle the other 2 bathrooms - make phone calls - and do laundry (ok so maybe I have so hefty goals but being positive can't hurt, right?)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Not Your Ordinary A-Z Challenge

Not Your Ordinary A-Z Challenge Workshop!

Ready to Rock-n-Roll? Can you stand a major shot of scrapping mojo? Are you a giggler or an all out laugher? Can you handle classes like Crabbie Patties, Kiss Me You Fool, Boy Is He Ripped, and more?

Find out this October when The ScrapRoom offers a 6 month long workshop with 26 weekly classes hosted by Susan Costanza and designed to put the excitement back in scrapping and inspire your individual creativity!

We have plenty of inspiration lined up with our amazing workshop Design Team featuring Shirley Standifird, Julie Walton, Jessica Chastain along with Guest Designers Brenda Carpenter and Shawnna Samples! (that is me!!!!)

Check The ScrapRoom website on September 30th for a free class sample and sign up information!

Free Pass Giveaway!

Would you like to win a FREE pass to the Not Your Ordinary A-Z Challenge Workshop? ($40.00 Value!) TSR will be giving away THREE FREE PASSES!!!

All you have to do is go here and reply to the thread, and you will be entered into a drawing for one of three free passes to be given out randomly. Winners will be announced on September 30th!

MY CUP OVER FLOWS Sept. 10 follow up with the surgeon

had my follow up with the surgeon today it was pretty uneventful -- He said the incision looks good and that he felt good about the amount of tissue he was able to remove -- He wanted to know who my oncologist was and when my appt. was with him yadda yadda but no new news or anything

started off in a "not so great" mood today slept until almost NOON - and was still tired - not to mention RUNNING BEHIND. Had several phone calls to make and had to leave messages with everyone (knowing i wouldn't be home to recieve the return calls). Was a little erked with the dr. appt. But when I got home I had a SUPER FABULOUS MAIL DAY!!!

I can't even believe all the RAK's my friends from TSR sent --
Molly Joly sent me 4 packs of mini me primas
Shirley sent me a beautiful card as well as some "SUPER STAR" bling
and several of the girls chipped in and bought me THIS MONTHS KIT (+ the embellie kit and paper add on) from The Scrap Room

I can't even begin to express the gratitude that is in my heart
I am OVERWHELMED with emotion
When I recieved the kit I immediately thought
"OH NO Tammy accidentally sent me a kit"
(i spent some money at the lss and had to pass on the
kit because things are REALLY TIGHT around here - dr bills and such)
I was so surprised to see the note that said my TSR gal pals all chipped in and got it for me thank you SO SO SO MUCH -- I don't know how I managed to make such awesome friends I DON'T DESERVE ANY OF THIS - but I am SO THANKFUL to have such AWESOME women in my life.

DOODLE Steph left me the SWEETEST shout out on her blog -- and she even made me this super fab doodle!


Some BLINKIE love

Mikey at TSR made this SUPER COOL Blinkie in support of my current health issues. You know the "C" word. Tons of the girls at TSR are sporting them in their signature. I can't help but get all mushy when I see this.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

September 9th Sunday

today is my sister in laws birthday - so I had to give her a proper SHOUT OUT ;)

today is also GRANDPARENTS DAY so happy day to all those with grandchildren

tired and sore today - swept the floor - did some laundry - rested -- but still tired and sore
I think I am starting to get the feeling back in my neck and OUCH -- pain wise this is one of the THREE BAD DAYS - YUCK

In other news......
I am really wanting to do a Bible Study -- prayed about the few that the Women's Group at my church are doing on Wed. morning. None of them really JUMPED OUT at me. So not sure what that is about. Hoping God will give me some direction.

Sept. 8th SATURDAY

I was surprised by a LOVELY (LOVE,ELSIE) Riley RAK (random act of kindness) by my buddy Lan -- She sent me the FRIENDS Chipboard album - the soft charms - and the rubons - WHAT A SWEETIE

also I neglected to mention that my friend SHELLBOWIE sent me some awesome transparencies she made using the Hambly OWL Rubons -- (I love Owls) she also made a super sweet OWL iron on -- can't wait to use it :D

Today was BUSY BUSY - made 17 halloween cards for a upcoming Swap on TSR. I still have 20 more to make but I am feeling good with my progress thus far

Went to eat at OTB with Melissa and her pal - We had a good time - fun to just get out of the house a bit -- OH EXCEPT for the part where I tried to eat a chip --- hmmmm....... surgery and chips don't mix well -- I thought I was going to CHOKE TO DEATH -- which was kind of funny when you think about it -- because.... well.... I do have cancer ---- could you imagine dying at the corner both at ON THE BORDER -- ok so maybe i have a freakishly weird sense of humor - but i found it funny

Had a long phone call with my cousin Tasha - LOVE THAT GAL -- LOVE HER TO PIECES

So today was a good day (said in my best ICE CUBE voice)

Saturday, September 08, 2007


This is a very POWERFUL MESSAGE!! the ending is BEAUTIFUL

BLESSED and FORGIVEN Friday September 7th

God is so good and amazing ALL the TIME.
I think He somehow honored my turnaround yesterday (not the cussing - we are still in discussions about this) He used that low time for me to submit -- to give up my cross, so to speak -- and then when I did (i am a little slow - it took me most of the day) He blessed me with such an AMAZING - OUT of SIGHT day today!

  • Tonya brought me a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and we had a wonderful visit
  • I enjoyed lunch with my mother in law (and dessert)
  • I delivered 3 Pencil bouquets to teachers/employees at the school (i was blessed by their appreciation)
  • A friend (Lisa) brought dinner over for my family
  • Heath got off ON TIME and we all enjoyed dinner as a family (i don't know when we did that last)
  • Heather stopped by for a visit
  • Nicole came and hung out with me this evening
It was an AWESOME (and tiring) DAY!

The point is God knows I am going to mess up - I am going to fall down - but the BEST part of the story is - I AM FORGIVEN and LOVED anyway

so today I am felling blessed and forgiven - and though I am not worthy, I don't deserve it, I DIDN'T EARN IT - He has poured out HIS MERCY and HIS GRACE again and again -

Friday, September 07, 2007

ANGER September 6th THURSDAY

I have to admit the anger snuck up on me. It was like a nasty germ infecting my whole body. I wasn't even fighting it for most of the day. I found myself cursing my dryer.

Yep I said it -- I CURSE -- I am not proud of it but it is one of those things - like riding a bike -- you don't FORGET how to do it - when I feel things are out of control - when I am angry -- I jump on the CUSS WAGON -- It isn't pretty - OLD HABITS aren't always easy to shake -- don't get me wrong - I don't go around cussing in front of my kids - or dropping "F" bombs -- but in those little moments when I am by myself I will let out a D*amn it or a Sh*t -- and today my anger/frustration targeted my dryer as well as a family member (although i didn't cuss the family member)

You would think that having a $548 electric bill would mean that your towels would be dry when the dryer buzzed -- Let me say now - just for the record - that is not always the case.

Anyway around 5 or so I finally decided that being angry wasn't really helping and that it took far less energy to just get over it and stop trying to find reasons to be mad. The real reason I was made was that I have C A N C E R. It isn't anyones fault. It just happened. And I can choose to let it choke me with anger and resentment OR I can try to see the positive.

The positive being that I am learning to just GO WITH THE FLOW - I don't have to get every item checked off on my to do list everyday. SOMETIMES YOU NEED HELP and if you don't allow people to help you you are actually causing them to miss out on God's blessings (as well as the blessing it would be for you to HAVE their help)

So in closing, am I angry I have CANCER? -- YEP -- does that make a difference? -- NOT AT ALL --


Makenna - My little girl has wanted an American Girl for about 3 years (she had a friend in preschool that was an ONLY CHILD ;) and had all kinds of American Girl stuff) So my mother bought her the EMILY doll, with accessories, of course for her birthday.
It came in the mail yesterday. Yes, I know that Makenna's birthday was actually at the end of June but my mom wanted to make sure that this is what she wanted. We gave Makenna the big speech - You know you could get a lot of other stuff for $102 -- and while Makenna went back and forth on weather she wanted to get the MOLLY doll or the EMILY doll - she was certain she WANTED an AMERICAN GIRL DOLL
I can't even tell you or explain the excitement on her face. It was priceless. ***yes i did indeed take pictures, i am a scrapbooker after all***
Emily and Makenna were inseperable for the entire night - She even fixed a special spot for Emily on her bed.
This morning she put her doll back into the box and left her on the kitchen table so she could "unwrap her again when she got off the bus" - ISN'T that just the CUTEST THING!!!

So thank you MOM for making my little girls dream of owning her own REAL American Girl come true.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

PERSPECTIVE on SALE for $10.15 September 04 2007

Tuesday was the first day for me to get the kids off to school on my own. My mother was here last week and Monday was a Holiday. It was rough. I won't lie. The alarm went off and I seriously thought about keeping the kids home for the day. Then I realized that wouldn't work. I had a dr. appointment and I could drag the kids along if we played hooky from school. ;)

Got them to the bus AHEAD of time. WHOOO HOOO SCORE 1 for Momma!!

Heath came home about 9 from Little Rock, Arkansas (job interview for Tulsa). I had gone back to sleep for about an hour after getting the kids on the bus. RELUCTANTLY I finally got up - showered - got ready for my doctor appointment.

The appointment went well - the doc said he hadn't heard from the surgeon so no news was good news but that he would call their office to get all the blood work/ pathology reports etc. He up'ed my Rx and said I needed come back in 2 months WHOO HOO - I was so excited to hear that that I decided to treat myself to lunch at the tea room. YEP I WENT ALL BY MYSELF

I came home to put my left overs in the fridge before picking my mother in law up from work (i had borrowed her car to go to the doctor) The phone was ringing and it was the dr's office. I immediately thought "I must have left my debit card" (a few nights before my surgery heath and I had dinner together and I left my card at the resturant) Unfortunetly, that WASN'T what the were calling about.

The nurse said that the doctor needed to speak with me as soon as possible about my pathology results - When could I come in? - I said if he can see me right now I can come but that I had to leave in 30 min. to get my mother in law from work. She said to come in.

I knew it wasn't good but something in me kept saying "Stop thinking the worst - it could be something else..... couldn't it?" That is were the doubt came sneaking in.

Shortly after arriving they called me back and I waited - probably only a few minutes but my mind was racing so it seemed like an eternity. He peeked in, as if to make sure he had the right room. I jokeingly said (with tear filled eyes) "You are scaring me - calling me back up here." He said down next to me and put his hand on my leg and said "I am so sorry" -- the tears are streaming down my face at this point -- "It is cancer."

We talked a little about his concerns (the fact that there was one larger spot with several smaller ones as well) - we talked about what would happen next, and then he asked if I had any questions -- I said I didn't think so

at one point I started to feel so embarrassed/ashamed of my tears that I said through a nervous laugh "I am so sorry, I don't know why I am crying" and his answer was "Because you have CANCER" --

Honestly he is such a great doctor - He is so funny - we are usually cracking jokes - at one time he even said -- "Everyone will be wearing funny suits (talking about when i have to stay in the hospital for radiation) you will get a big kick out of it" - then he said " You'll be GLOWING" of course I couldn't let that go so my reply was -- "what do you mean I am ALREADY GLOWING"
we had a little chuckle

I bravely made it out of the office and to the car and as i sat down in the drivers seat I felt like the whole car was in one of those salvage machines and it was all being crushed around me - I couldn't breath - I couldn't think - through sobbing and shallow breaths I called Heath and said he had to come home right away - He said to stay there and I said I had to pick up his mom and that I was going to talk to the pastor while i was at the church

I pulled it together so I could drive a few miles to the church - after all I couldn't walk in there BAWLING (or at least this was what I was thinking)

I made it inside and was going to take Drema (mother in law) her keys and then it happened. Ellie stopped me and wouldn't let me proceed - I was saying "No I am fine - I just need to give Drema her keys" and then she HUGGED ME -- and right then and there the wall fell and I couldn't hold in my tears anymore -- Ellie has the best hugs = Like a Momma Bear - She was soft and just for a second I forgot I was in the front of the church where EVERYONE could see me and let down me guard. After a few seconds this thought came back to me but I was way to gone -- I was in the midst of the UGLY CRY -- you know what I am talking about - the one with snot and lots of sobbing - By the time I tried to stop it - it was all I could do to breath -- then came the AFTER CRY -- you are trying not to cry but you are still doing the shallow breath thing

Ellie asked if I wanted her to get Drema and I just said I wanted to talk to Larry (our pastor) She got him for me. I kind of feel sorry for him looking back on it - You know that look in a man's eye when a woman is crying -- not sure if he was scared that I was crying or if he was just trying to figure out what was wrong - I was a MESS -- (insert more "AFTER CRY" here) Larry was great though He prayed with me and then I just refused to let anyone HUG ME --

I think I should make a shirt that says something like

(you will make me cry - you know you don't want that)

I think it would be funny - don't you ???

After that I came home to my WONDERFUL HUSBAND who was perfect - he even let me bail out and go to HOBBY LOBBY for 1.5 hours (it takes a SUPER DUPER DAD to do that) Heath was great - He was there when I needed to just be held and told everything is going to be ok and he was there when I wanted to be left alone - when I wanted to get out - get away from all the phone calls - questions - and just get some GOOD OLE' RETAIL THERAPY

and surprisingly for the small price of $10.15 I left hobby lobby with a little perspective
(thanks Molly for helping me runaway for just a second - oh and for bringing me back home too)

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Ok -- I don't want anyone to freak out
so let me first say that EVERYTHING is GOING to BE FINE

but I need to say that yesterday I found out that I have cancer

The doctor said he was most concerned about the fact that there was one larger spot with several smaller spots growing

But I don't want you to worry because the truth is if you are going to have cancer - Thyroid cancer is the best kind to have -- the fatality rate is remarkably low and as long as we take care of it and just watch to make sure it doesn't pop up anywhere else IT WILL BE FINE

The sucky part is that I have to go back into the hospital for radiation (only 2-3 nights) but I hate sleeping (or not sleeping) at the hospital -- they come in every hour to check on you and takeyour blood pressure UUUGHHHHH

so there it is --
the ugly truth
just thought you should know

(i am going to be posting my thoughts and feelings here in the upcoming weeks -- so if mushy stuff isn't your thing then consider yourself warned ;)