Tuesday was the first day for me to get the kids off to school on my own. My mother was here last week and Monday was a Holiday. It was rough. I won't lie. The alarm went off and I seriously thought about keeping the kids home for the day. Then I realized that wouldn't work. I had a dr. appointment and I could drag the kids along if we played hooky from school. ;)
Got them to the bus AHEAD of time. WHOOO HOOO SCORE 1 for Momma!!
Heath came home about 9 from Little Rock, Arkansas (job interview for Tulsa). I had gone back to sleep for about an hour after getting the kids on the bus. RELUCTANTLY I finally got up - showered - got ready for my doctor appointment.
The appointment went well - the doc said he hadn't heard from the surgeon so no news was good news but that he would call their office to get all the blood work/ pathology reports etc. He up'ed my Rx and said I needed come back in 2 months WHOO HOO - I was so excited to hear that that I decided to treat myself to lunch at the tea room. YEP I WENT ALL BY MYSELF
I came home to put my left overs in the fridge before picking my mother in law up from work (i had borrowed her car to go to the doctor) The phone was ringing and it was the dr's office. I immediately thought "I must have left my debit card" (a few nights before my surgery heath and I had dinner together and I left my card at the resturant) Unfortunetly, that WASN'T what the were calling about.
The nurse said that the doctor needed to speak with me as soon as possible about my pathology results - When could I come in? - I said if he can see me right now I can come but that I had to leave in 30 min. to get my mother in law from work. She said to come in.
I knew it wasn't good but something in me kept saying "Stop thinking the worst - it could be something else..... couldn't it?" That is were the doubt came sneaking in.
Shortly after arriving they called me back and I waited - probably only a few minutes but my mind was racing so it seemed like an eternity. He peeked in, as if to make sure he had the right room. I jokeingly said (with tear filled eyes) "You are scaring me - calling me back up here." He said down next to me and put his hand on my leg and said "I am so sorry" -- the tears are streaming down my face at this point -- "It is cancer."
We talked a little about his concerns (the fact that there was one larger spot with several smaller ones as well) - we talked about what would happen next, and then he asked if I had any questions -- I said I didn't think so
at one point I started to feel so embarrassed/ashamed of my tears that I said through a nervous laugh "I am so sorry, I don't know why I am crying" and his answer was "Because you have CANCER" --
Honestly he is such a great doctor - He is so funny - we are usually cracking jokes - at one time he even said -- "Everyone will be wearing funny suits (talking about when i have to stay in the hospital for radiation) you will get a big kick out of it" - then he said " You'll be GLOWING" of course I couldn't let that go so my reply was -- "what do you mean I am ALREADY GLOWING"
we had a little chuckle
I bravely made it out of the office and to the car and as i sat down in the drivers seat I felt like the whole car was in one of those salvage machines and it was all being crushed around me - I couldn't breath - I couldn't think - through sobbing and shallow breaths I called Heath and said he had to come home right away - He said to stay there and I said I had to pick up his mom and that I was going to talk to the pastor while i was at the church
I pulled it together so I could drive a few miles to the church - after all I couldn't walk in there BAWLING (or at least this was what I was thinking)
I made it inside and was going to take Drema (mother in law) her keys and then it happened. Ellie stopped me and wouldn't let me proceed - I was saying "No I am fine - I just need to give Drema her keys" and then she HUGGED ME -- and right then and there the wall fell and I couldn't hold in my tears anymore -- Ellie has the best hugs = Like a Momma Bear - She was soft and just for a second I forgot I was in the front of the church where EVERYONE could see me and let down me guard. After a few seconds this thought came back to me but I was way to gone -- I was in the midst of the UGLY CRY -- you know what I am talking about - the one with snot and lots of sobbing - By the time I tried to stop it - it was all I could do to breath -- then came the AFTER CRY -- you are trying not to cry but you are still doing the shallow breath thing
Ellie asked if I wanted her to get Drema and I just said I wanted to talk to Larry (our pastor) She got him for me. I kind of feel sorry for him looking back on it - You know that look in a man's eye when a woman is crying -- not sure if he was scared that I was crying or if he was just trying to figure out what was wrong - I was a MESS -- (insert more "AFTER CRY" here) Larry was great though He prayed with me and then I just refused to let anyone HUG ME --
I think I should make a shirt that says something like
PLEASE DON'T HUG ME
(you will make me cry - you know you don't want that)
I think it would be funny - don't you ???
After that I came home to my WONDERFUL HUSBAND who was perfect - he even let me bail out and go to HOBBY LOBBY for 1.5 hours (it takes a SUPER DUPER DAD to do that) Heath was great - He was there when I needed to just be held and told everything is going to be ok and he was there when I wanted to be left alone - when I wanted to get out - get away from all the phone calls - questions - and just get some GOOD OLE' RETAIL THERAPY
and surprisingly for the small price of $10.15 I left hobby lobby with a little perspective
(thanks Molly for helping me runaway for just a second - oh and for bringing me back home too)