I have to admit the anger snuck up on me. It was like a nasty germ infecting my whole body. I wasn't even fighting it for most of the day. I found myself cursing my dryer.
Yep I said it -- I CURSE -- I am not proud of it but it is one of those things - like riding a bike -- you don't FORGET how to do it - when I feel things are out of control - when I am angry -- I jump on the CUSS WAGON -- It isn't pretty - OLD HABITS aren't always easy to shake -- don't get me wrong - I don't go around cussing in front of my kids - or dropping "F" bombs -- but in those little moments when I am by myself I will let out a D*amn it or a Sh*t -- and today my anger/frustration targeted my dryer as well as a family member (although i didn't cuss the family member)
You would think that having a $548 electric bill would mean that your towels would be dry when the dryer buzzed -- Let me say now - just for the record - that is not always the case.
Anyway around 5 or so I finally decided that being angry wasn't really helping and that it took far less energy to just get over it and stop trying to find reasons to be mad. The real reason I was made was that I have C A N C E R. It isn't anyones fault. It just happened. And I can choose to let it choke me with anger and resentment OR I can try to see the positive.
The positive being that I am learning to just GO WITH THE FLOW - I don't have to get every item checked off on my to do list everyday. SOMETIMES YOU NEED HELP and if you don't allow people to help you you are actually causing them to miss out on God's blessings (as well as the blessing it would be for you to HAVE their help)
So in closing, am I angry I have CANCER? -- YEP -- does that make a difference? -- NOT AT ALL --
5 comments:
Sending thoughts, care and prayers your way. Knowing God isn't surprised by anything in your life and the fact that HE determines to some degree what happens or not on the course of our path can bring comfort. I hope it brings you peace too. The "trusting fully in Him" part is where it gets tricky. It's not always easy and it doesn't feel like the best thing at times. But it's where He wants you to be. I will pray you will trust God and that He will give you strength and peace in all this. All the best for you...
Lifting you and your family up in prayer.
Just trust in Him and he will give you the strength you need.
Gods blessing to you!
We are dealing with this in our family right now and just found out last night. My heart goes out to you. I admire your strength. My grandmother who has cancer is a strong Christian and so am I. I will keep you in your prayers. I saw on SIS that you plan to document how God is going to use this in your life...I admire that.
Sending more prayers and ((HUGS)) your way. Keep finding your strength in your faith in HIM and in those who love you. Know that there are many who are thinking of you and are supporting your fight!
Shawna...I just read your post...I am so sorry, sad, speechless..and have immedialty praying for you....my gosh, have you read me blog lately? I am so speechless for you right now, but please lean on your faith...it is there, and so is GOD...
Please email me and let me know what I can do for you, even though we are far apart....I am praying for you, and your family.
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