Monday, April 13, 2009

getting real

let me preface this by saying - Most days I am so thankful - I have been blessed beyond measure. However - last week was particularly difficult and I wrote this post which I thought about deleting, but then realized it is important that we admit to ourselves and to each other that we don't always feel the way we want to or the way we feel we should. These are my feelings and this is my blog it is about time they were reintroduced....

I don't know what it is lately. I just haven't felt like myself. I like to analyze and make excuses like, "Well, it could be PMS" or "I am just stressed out because of school". But in reality I think it has more to do with the fact that I am about to go through another round of testing. Testing to see if the cancer has returned. I don't really understand why these tests that are designed to save my life (early detection) can trigger these feelings. I think it is mainly fear. Fear in something that is out of my control. I feel frustrated because something that I didn't want - something I never asked for still has such a hold on my life. It dictates that I take pills for the rest of my life at the same time each day. It dictates never ending doctor appointments that leave me with statistics that may be good for "cancer patients" but don't really feel good for ME. It leaves me feeling angry, and then in full circle fashion I feel disappointed in myself for having these feelings because so many others have it so much worse.

3 comments:

Janine said...

Great big hugs!!! I can't imagine being in your shoes. I, truly, wish I could be there with you the next couple days. I hope that you get all the love & support that you need if your feeling lousy.

I'll be praying and hoping for the least negative side-effects & the best of possible results from the tests.

It's wonderful that you can be true to your feelings.

In His love, Janine

Perky Nihilist said...

I admire your honesty. People too often fail to share their real thoughts and feelings.

I wish I could do something to support you through this week. The physical complications are nasty but the emotional impact sounds daunting.

Wishing you pockets of happiness and laughter in a tough week and good test results.

Angela W said...

You can't help what or how you feel, Shawnna. You and your family will be in my prayers. You should be able to have an outlet for your feelings, why not here?! Know you are loved and cared for and about.