ok after i re read my last post i thought that it was important to say that at this time i didn't have a close relationship with Christ -- I was raised Catholic and i (an unwed teenager) went to church with my son (and my momma of course) but i didn't know that I COULD have a relationship with HIM- I felt ashamed and unworthy of GOD's love - i often wondered if he would ever forgive me for the sins i had commited and i tried to think of things i could do to make up for all the wrong i had done.
BOY WAS I SOOOOO WRONG -- more on that to come at the end of the story
anyway i said all that to start tonights post here -- July 19 1996 - the day before the wreck -- i was supposed to be going to meet my boyfriend's mother*we will call her D* (she is now my mother in law) for the first time - his sister *M* and i (with my son) were going to their other sister *C's* baby shower in TX on the following day - Heath (then boyfriend now husband) was on a mission trip in Mexico and was going to meet us in TX with his dad the following day - *hope that all makes sense*
anyway we were going to be leaving VERY early - like 4 am or so - so i was going to stay the night with them at M's house.
I remember my mom telling me i should just let Aasin stay with her - but i wasn't having it - there was now way i was going to leave him for the night - so not my style - if i wasn't working - we were together - I took care of my son and i enjoyed it - So i brushed her off and said NO and left to go to M's house (future sister in law) -
I remember going out to eat and Aasin seemed so fussy - i nursed him a little - I remember Heath's mother being so kind and holding him- i remember how we were setting at the table - the linens the decor - even in my mind it still seems so fresh and real -- I remember being embarrased that he was being so fussy - and feeling like maybe i was ruining their meal -- and wondering what she thought -
we went back to M's house and visited a little and we went to bed - We woke up so early -- loaded everything up and got on the road -- it was a 3-4 hour trip - things went smoothly we all kept each other company - D drove and M and her daughter sat up front - Aasin and I were in the back seat - Aasin slept almost the whole way -- I remember us talking about stopping at the IHOP for breakfast -- it had to be at least 7:30 or so -- I remember Aasin waking up - I remember thinking we were almost there so i would go ahead and feed him while we were in the car - he nursed for a while and i burped him and switched sides -- he was in a much happier mood today -- I was thankful for that - smiling and playing with his little chubby feet while he ate -- I sat him up to burp him again we went over some railroad tracks and shortly after we were slowing down -- i looked out the windshield and i saw the stop light turn green and D went to turn right at the intersection
-- CRASH --
i never saw it coming - not in my periphial vision -- NOTHING -- i remember the sound of metal on metal - i remember trying to hold onto my son as we were slammed around inside of the car - i remember trying to figure out what had just happened - I remember the air bags everywhere in the front of the car -- i remember M's daughter crying -- i checked my son -- looked at him - his head - his mouth - his belly -- everywhere -- the only blood i saw was in his mouth on his gums -- it looked like he was cutting teeth and when he bit down he kind of nicked his bottom gums maybe -- i remember thinking -- it is going to be ok -- Please Lord let everyone be ok -- Let everyone in the other vehicle be ok --
my first instinct was we needed to go to the hospital - i didn't know where we were - i wasn't familiar with the town (heath's family was from the area) I didn't know where the nearest hospital was but we needed to get there -- we flagged down a car that drove me , Aasin , and M to the hospital - which thankfully was less than 5 minutes away -- i remember the drive there -- i remember him starting to fall asleep and trying to keep him awake - i remember M giving him cpr -- he was going in and out --
i remember going into the automatic doors at the hospital and as i handed him to the nurse i saw it - the huge bump on his head close to his ear -- they took him to the back and i wasn't allowed in -- they wouldn't let me stay with him -- i didn't know how serious it was but by the frantic way everyone was rushing around it didn't seem good - i used the payphone to call my mother - my dad was at work so she would have to call and have him tracked down and they would be on the way --
they kept trying to get me to be seen by a dr. as well -- i said i wasn't hurt and the nurse said you are bleeding - with all the chaos i didn't even know - i looked down and saw blood on my shirt and felt my face -- still saying i am not hurt i will be fine - and please let me be with my baby -
they finally said they were going to life flight him to childrens medical in dallas -I called and told my parents and they said they would get there as soon as they could - they let me see him before they sedated him - and as i walked into the room - i saw him with the tubes in his mouth and he tried to cry out for me but he couldn't -- the nurses were telling me that it was a good sign that he recognized me - i remember being by his side when his tiny body relaxed and kissing him and telling him i would be there with him as soon as i could be - they wouldn't let me ride in the helicopter - and i needed to go with him -- i had to be with my son -- the car was totaled - some people from the town offered to drive me to the childrens medical center in dallas --
it was about an hour drive - and i remember starting to feel the pain on the trip there -- i don't really remember the whole trip but when we got there they wouldn't let me see him and they made me get checked out in the er -- i remember being on a bed in the hall with a brace for my neck and back -- i was there for hours - i kept asking for someone to take me to my son at childrens and they said i had to be cleared in the er first before i could go -- i waited and waited - i remeber a dr. coming to ask me if he could put a shunt in my sons head - his little brain was swelling and they needed to be able to gauge the pressure - i remember asking him the risks and benefits of the shunt and i remember feeling overwhelmed - wishing my mom was there - i gave them permission and signed the documents - and he told me he would keep me posted on aasin's condition and that they were doing more tests and that even if i was cleared from the er i wouldn't be able to see him until he was stable.
I remember having lots of x -rays and waiting in the hall on the bed -- i remember my parents getting there - i remember hearing their voices while i was on the bed -- it seemed liked things sped up at that point - they wouldn't let me leave yet but my dad went to the NICU - i got some stitches in my nose and they finally let me leave to go to the NICU -- i just had to come back down later for some more x rays -
for a long time we were in the waiting room -- i remember the way it looked -- it had these huge aquariums with tropical fish -- i remember when they finally let us go in and be with him -- finally he was stable -- in critical condition but stable - i remember praying - praying - and praying - Lord please let my son recover from this Lord Please -- Hail Mary's - I must have said hundreds if not thousands - Our Father's -- i was reciting every prayer i had ever learned -
ok - it is 2am here and i am physically and mentally exhausted - i will continue this in a day or two - sorry - too much for one sitting - to much for one lifetime it seems - i will return - thank you again for your patience