Monday, July 17, 2006

Part 2 (continued story)

ok after i re read my last post i thought that it was important to say that at this time i didn't have a close relationship with Christ -- I was raised Catholic and i (an unwed teenager) went to church with my son (and my momma of course) but i didn't know that I COULD have a relationship with HIM- I felt ashamed and unworthy of GOD's love - i often wondered if he would ever forgive me for the sins i had commited and i tried to think of things i could do to make up for all the wrong i had done.

BOY WAS I SOOOOO WRONG -- more on that to come at the end of the story

anyway i said all that to start tonights post here -- July 19 1996 - the day before the wreck -- i was supposed to be going to meet my boyfriend's mother*we will call her D* (she is now my mother in law) for the first time - his sister *M* and i (with my son) were going to their other sister *C's* baby shower in TX on the following day - Heath (then boyfriend now husband) was on a mission trip in Mexico and was going to meet us in TX with his dad the following day - *hope that all makes sense*
anyway we were going to be leaving VERY early - like 4 am or so - so i was going to stay the night with them at M's house.

I remember my mom telling me i should just let Aasin stay with her - but i wasn't having it - there was now way i was going to leave him for the night - so not my style - if i wasn't working - we were together - I took care of my son and i enjoyed it - So i brushed her off and said NO and left to go to M's house (future sister in law) -

I remember going out to eat and Aasin seemed so fussy - i nursed him a little - I remember Heath's mother being so kind and holding him- i remember how we were setting at the table - the linens the decor - even in my mind it still seems so fresh and real -- I remember being embarrased that he was being so fussy - and feeling like maybe i was ruining their meal -- and wondering what she thought -

we went back to M's house and visited a little and we went to bed - We woke up so early -- loaded everything up and got on the road -- it was a 3-4 hour trip - things went smoothly we all kept each other company - D drove and M and her daughter sat up front - Aasin and I were in the back seat - Aasin slept almost the whole way -- I remember us talking about stopping at the IHOP for breakfast -- it had to be at least 7:30 or so -- I remember Aasin waking up - I remember thinking we were almost there so i would go ahead and feed him while we were in the car - he nursed for a while and i burped him and switched sides -- he was in a much happier mood today -- I was thankful for that - smiling and playing with his little chubby feet while he ate -- I sat him up to burp him again we went over some railroad tracks and shortly after we were slowing down -- i looked out the windshield and i saw the stop light turn green and D went to turn right at the intersection

-- CRASH --

i never saw it coming - not in my periphial vision -- NOTHING -- i remember the sound of metal on metal - i remember trying to hold onto my son as we were slammed around inside of the car - i remember trying to figure out what had just happened - I remember the air bags everywhere in the front of the car -- i remember M's daughter crying -- i checked my son -- looked at him - his head - his mouth - his belly -- everywhere -- the only blood i saw was in his mouth on his gums -- it looked like he was cutting teeth and when he bit down he kind of nicked his bottom gums maybe -- i remember thinking -- it is going to be ok -- Please Lord let everyone be ok -- Let everyone in the other vehicle be ok --
my first instinct was we needed to go to the hospital - i didn't know where we were - i wasn't familiar with the town (heath's family was from the area) I didn't know where the nearest hospital was but we needed to get there -- we flagged down a car that drove me , Aasin , and M to the hospital - which thankfully was less than 5 minutes away -- i remember the drive there -- i remember him starting to fall asleep and trying to keep him awake - i remember M giving him cpr -- he was going in and out --

i remember going into the automatic doors at the hospital and as i handed him to the nurse i saw it - the huge bump on his head close to his ear -- they took him to the back and i wasn't allowed in -- they wouldn't let me stay with him -- i didn't know how serious it was but by the frantic way everyone was rushing around it didn't seem good - i used the payphone to call my mother - my dad was at work so she would have to call and have him tracked down and they would be on the way --

they kept trying to get me to be seen by a dr. as well -- i said i wasn't hurt and the nurse said you are bleeding - with all the chaos i didn't even know - i looked down and saw blood on my shirt and felt my face -- still saying i am not hurt i will be fine - and please let me be with my baby -

they finally said they were going to life flight him to childrens medical in dallas -I called and told my parents and they said they would get there as soon as they could - they let me see him before they sedated him - and as i walked into the room - i saw him with the tubes in his mouth and he tried to cry out for me but he couldn't -- the nurses were telling me that it was a good sign that he recognized me - i remember being by his side when his tiny body relaxed and kissing him and telling him i would be there with him as soon as i could be - they wouldn't let me ride in the helicopter - and i needed to go with him -- i had to be with my son -- the car was totaled - some people from the town offered to drive me to the childrens medical center in dallas --

it was about an hour drive - and i remember starting to feel the pain on the trip there -- i don't really remember the whole trip but when we got there they wouldn't let me see him and they made me get checked out in the er -- i remember being on a bed in the hall with a brace for my neck and back -- i was there for hours - i kept asking for someone to take me to my son at childrens and they said i had to be cleared in the er first before i could go -- i waited and waited - i remeber a dr. coming to ask me if he could put a shunt in my sons head - his little brain was swelling and they needed to be able to gauge the pressure - i remember asking him the risks and benefits of the shunt and i remember feeling overwhelmed - wishing my mom was there - i gave them permission and signed the documents - and he told me he would keep me posted on aasin's condition and that they were doing more tests and that even if i was cleared from the er i wouldn't be able to see him until he was stable.

I remember having lots of x -rays and waiting in the hall on the bed -- i remember my parents getting there - i remember hearing their voices while i was on the bed -- it seemed liked things sped up at that point - they wouldn't let me leave yet but my dad went to the NICU - i got some stitches in my nose and they finally let me leave to go to the NICU -- i just had to come back down later for some more x rays -

for a long time we were in the waiting room -- i remember the way it looked -- it had these huge aquariums with tropical fish -- i remember when they finally let us go in and be with him -- finally he was stable -- in critical condition but stable - i remember praying - praying - and praying - Lord please let my son recover from this Lord Please -- Hail Mary's - I must have said hundreds if not thousands - Our Father's -- i was reciting every prayer i had ever learned -


ok - it is 2am here and i am physically and mentally exhausted - i will continue this in a day or two - sorry - too much for one sitting - to much for one lifetime it seems - i will return - thank you again for your patience


Anonymous said...

Shawnna, hugs...

Tina said...

I am in tears reading this Shawna: you are so very brave for sharing your story.

Christi said...

Boy do I remember that day! I still feel so guilty for you guys coming down for my baby shower! I am so glad that you are able to talk about this. Know that I love you and understand how difficult this is for you to share. There is definalty a hole in my families heart as well that the Lord has filled in us. BIG HUGS! I think you are so brave to talk about this. BIG HUGS..BIG KISSES! AND TONS OF LOVE YOUR WAY!

marie cox said...

wow...what a story. I'm glad your still here to tell it.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Shawnna My heart breaks for you...such a sad thing for you to lose your sweet boy..much love and consider yourself hugged....

Greta said...

i am sitting here in tears and I cannot express to you how much courage i think you have for telling this story. You are a very brave and courageous, strong woman and have been through so much as such a young age.....

you take your time ...we will be right here for you...


Anonymous said...

Oh, girl you are so brave to be able to share such sad facts with us...your friends who may never meet you in person yet, love you anyway.

I will continue to pray for you to tell more but, in your time so please do not hurry for us for we are waiting lovingly for you.


Anonymous said...

Your story made me cry. It really made me refelct on my life. hank you for sharing it and God Bless you!

Erin said...

Shawna, my friend, I don't even know what to say. I'm crying for you and for your loss. I can't even imagine going through all you did.

You are so brave to tell this story. I'm sure it is difficult, but it makes us all squeeze our little ones a little tighter and appreciate all we are lucky to have.

Hugs aren't enough, but I wish I was there to give you one.

Love ya!!

shawnna said...

thank you all very much - i am here hugging you back