Monday, July 17, 2006

part 3 of the story

I remember the doctors saying that the next 24 hours will determine a lot -- THEY WERE SO RIGHT -- things seemed to be looking better they were going to let us see him -- they tried to prepare me before they took me to the NICU -- they said that he is swollen and he will look different than what i am used to -- I didn't really understand what they were saying until i saw him - they were right - he didn't look the same - and he was still being sedated - they let us stay with him except while they were doing tests - they began preparing us for what may happen - if he recovered he could need therapy and they were unsure what type of injuries he would have - while putting in the shunt he suffered a stroke and could be permenatly brain damaged -- or not - it was to early to tell - anyway we had spoke to family members and several were preparing to come and stay with me at the hospital for 1 week shifts - I remember praying and telling God that I was prepared to stay as long as i needed to - that we would figure out a way- if only he would spare my son from any permenate damage -

after a while they said i should go back down to the er for the rest of the x-rays while he was stable - my mother went with me and my father stayed in the NICU - we finished up in the ER and went back to the NICU - my father was in the waiting room with his head in his hands and i remember feeling that something wasn't right - he looked up and he had been crying -- he said they rushed Aasin in for another test and that his brain was swelling again - We waited for what seemed like an eternity -

Praying - Waiting -
Waiting - Praying -

I remember them taking us to a conference room -- i thought they wanted to discuss further treatment or something -- i was confused -- it was an off white room with a long rectangled table - lots of grey chairs - they sat on one side of the table and my mother - father and i on the other - when they started talking it didn't seem real - they said that his brain had swollen and cut off the blood and oxygen supply - they said he was brain dead - they said there was nothing more that they could do - they seemed so detached and unreal - like they were reading off a bunch of numbers and not really talking TO ME but AT ME -- I remember feeling rage -- that they COULD do something but they weren't - i remember being so emotional and my parents trying to calm me down -- it seemed like i was not in my own body - not in control - like i was watching myself loose it from the ceiling or something -- surreal -- They said that i had to make a decision about the life support - that if i left him on it his body would slowing shut down - beginning with one organ on to the next - and then the next --

I made the decision to take him off of life support - they let me hold him for awhile before they turned off the machines and unhooked everything - i continued to hold him afterward for as long as i could - i remember telling him how much I loved him and how sorry I was -- how EVERYONE love him -- i remember singing every song I could think of while i rocked him -- this would be the last time i would ever rock him to sleep again - i remember them coming in to listen for a heartbeat -- they nodded their head but i already knew he was gone -- i continued to stay with him -- i couldn't bear to leave him there without me - i remember feeling the coldness of his body wrapped in the tiny hospital blanket - the nurses said i could have a few more minutes with him and i just sobbed - i had never felt that kind of pain -- my heart hurt and it felt like it had moved into my throat -- they came to take him from me and i felt like i dying inside -

in less that 18 hours my life had come unraveled - i was alone - and my heart was shattered - I wish i could say that this was the point in my life were i turned to GOD - were I began to have a personal relationship with him -- but it wasn't - because you see at this point i felt even more ashamed than ever - I had made the decision to take my son to TX - instead of leaving him with my mother -- I had made the decision to go ahead with the plans even though i had second thoughts about it while we were at dinner and Aasin was fussing - I had decided to not ask D to pull the car over while i nursed him in the back seat. ALL CHOICES I MADE - I felt that my sinful life had brought this upon myself --

This were i say, thankfully "I WAS WRONG "

I didn't know the salvation that I later found (THANK YOU Brother Roger and Judy Ratliff from Vansickle Baptist Church) I didn't know the FREE GIFT of eternal life

"For the wages of sin is death, but the FREE GIFT of GOD is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23

i had convinced myself that i could never do enough good to erase all the sin i had commited - all the poor choices -- but the truth is NONE of us DESERVE to have a relationship with Christ -- but he allows us to anyway -- that is how much he loves us

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world should be SAVED through Him." John 3:16-17

I was baptized in front of my husband and my two children in 2002 and my relationship with Christ continues to grow today -- I am not perfect now that i am a "CHRISTIAN" nor will I ever be -- but you see that is the beauty of my relationship with Christ - He knows I am not perfect and He knows I will continue to mess up - but He is helping me to be a better person THROUGH HIM - and i am so thankful that some people (my husband included) took the time to explain that to me - (and were patient while i took the time to BELIEVE IT)

If there is a void in your life I urge you to turn to Christ to fill that for you - He is calling your name and he wants to have a relationship with you- I would love to help you make the decision to proclaim Jesus as your Lord and Savior and ask Him into your life - to ask Him to forgive you for your sins no matter how BIG or small - He can and He will -- all you have to do is BELIEVE. I would love to answer any questions for you -- NOT THAT i know it all - but i am resourceful and if i can't find the answer in the Bible for you I will find someone who can help me

thank you for sticking around for my story - there are some gaps in it but i plan to fill those with time -- Many BLESSINGS to you all

In Christ

all verses from the New American Standard version -- it is so much easier for me to read


Christal Miles said...

I am speechless BUT, feel blessed that you have shared your story. Thank you so much. God has a profound way of blessing others through people like you! Again Thanks!

Greta said...

Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry for you loss!


Aasin was such a very beautiful baby boy

elizabeth said...

wow, i really don't know what to say.

your loss has brought tears to my eyes.

thank you for making me open my eyes.

Erin said...

The amount of grief you've suffered in your short life is more than anyone should have to suffer in their whole life.

I admire you for being able to pull through as you have. You are such an amazing woman, Shawna. I am blessed to have found you as a friend!

annette said...

Shawnn, I just read this post...what a sad story for you to have lost your precious baby boy...and to have felt all of the guilt was unbearable...praise the Lord you finally found Him. Knowing God and trusting Him is often all that keeps us hanging on. I know your little one is waiting in heavan for you....
God bless you .


shawnna said...

Thank you all for listening -- and for your hugs and prayers and so much love -- THANK YOU

carrie*postma said...

Dearest Shawna... I am left speechless and filled with awe. I am overwhelmed with what God has trusted you with, amazing. You are allowing God to use you despite your pain and for that you will be blessed. Thank you for sharing your story and more importantly giving the glory back to our Lord. Awesome that you have shared your faith, Girl. Press on. Sharing the journey, Carrie.