Saturday, July 15, 2006

Part 1 (beginning)

i wasn't sure how/ where to start so i guess i will start with my pregnancy - i was only a teenager when i found out i was pregnant - nothing more than a child myself - up until that point my biggest fears involved getting caught cruisin' the strip while my parents thought i was at the movie theatre -- and so it begins - i am pregnant -- I was pressured by some to have an abortion - this was something that I COULDN'T do - part of me thought "no one would ever have to know about this if i went down this path" but the BIGGEST part of me knew that I COULDN'T do it - that this was a BABY growing inside of me - Thankfully my mother was there to give me support and encouragement - though i am sure she wasn't happy about the situation I had gotten myself into - she was more supportive than I would have imagined she could be and she stood by my side when I made the decision to keep the baby - MY BABY - my pregnancy was tough it wasn't fun to feel alienated by my peers - and the comments some of them made --- OMGoodness - it was horrible -- skip this part and lets fast forward to the birth of my son - Aasin -

he was a beautiful baby and such a blessing - born March 5th 1996 - i remember sobbing uncontrollable the first time I held him in my arms - he was so fragile and innocent I couldn't help but wonder if I would be able to give him the life he deserved - would I be a GOOD MOTHER - would I know what to do when he cried or when he had a fever (lets hope so because i spent most of my pregnancy reading every BOOK i could get my hands on about childbirth and childrearing)

at this point my life totally changed - RESPONSIBILTY LEAD THE WAY TO MANY CHANGES

SCHOOL: I was on homebound (high school at home - i met with a teacher once per week who would give me all my assignments which would be turned in on the following week) HOME: Not only was I caring for this infant 24/7 I was also babysitting my three younger brothers after school until my parents came home and all the while still helping my mom with housework. WORK -- and as soon as school was out for the summer I got my first real job (up until then there was babysitting and doing odd jobs for my parents to earn cash) my mother babysat for me while i worked part time / evenings and weekends at a resturant - they didn't want me to work at first but i knew i was going to have to do it sooner or later

my life had done a 180 degree turn - no longer was i a teenager living for the weekends - now i was a mother - oohh ing and awwe ing over all the FIRSTS that my son was experiencing -- HOLDING HIS HEAD UP -- ROLLING OVER -- it seemed that i could no longer communicate with those that had been my peers - they were talking about their DATES and i was talking about sleepless nights - cute baby noises - and diapers - it was strange and it set me apart but i didn't mind - I loved my son and i was determined that i would do whatever i could to make the best life possible for him.


Anonymous said...

Oh Shawnna, My heart goes out to you...such strength you must have to even begin to share this story of your precious son. How your life must have changed even felt like it came to a 'stop'....motherhood when you were still in your own childhood must have felt like a huge weight upon you.

You are in my prayers through out this day...praying for peace in your heart and mind, peace for your memory to 'let go' of precious facts, and peace for you through these days of posting about him.

much love from a friend in illinois

Anonymous said...

Shawnna, I have read and re-read your posting numerous times wanting to grasp the impact having your baby had on you. I was terrified at motherhood at twenty so it must have been overwhelming at times.

Your Mom was so good to you. Often we take our moms for granted and I imagine your relationship with her grew closer from these times.

My son was five and became very ill. The doctors thought he might die and I recall my mind could not grasp it, I was blessed that he recovered and is a grown, happy, secure man today.

I pray telling your story will ease some of your loss and allow you to share your baby with others. We moms need to stick together and feel not just the joy of motherhood but the pain also.

much love from a friend in Illinois

Erin said...

Shawna, you are one of the strongest women I know. Not many could go through what you did at your age!! HUGS!

shawnna said...

Thank you so much :0)